Happy Birthday, Alison! It’s hard to think of the right gift to give a woman who has everything, or will once all your smut-writing well-wishers in this world-wide blog birthday have presented their imaginative offerings. But I did want to express my appreciation for all you do for erotica and erotica authors--as a fabulously hot writer, a courteous editor and a friggin' fun blogger--with a little food, a little sex and a little sampling of things Japanese.
Although I like to write a dirty tale now and then and certainly hope my work is “effective,” out there in the so-called real world, my favorite way to reduce people to wobbly-kneed, salivating love slaves is with my cookies. In honor of your birthday, I’d like to present you with a whole box of my signature treats—pecan pie cookies, vanilla spoon cookies sandwiched with raspberry jam, three-layered, almond cake Venetians glazed with chocolate, and spicy Dutch almond cookies with marzipan filling. Feel free to eat more than one--it's your birthday!
While you’re sampling the birthday sweets, I’d also like to offer my services in the single area of my life where I show a talent for organization. That is, of course, my impressively neat sex toy draw. Not only is everything tidy and properly folded, but—this may not be immediately obvious--the items are catalogued and arranged in alphabetical order, from anal beads to XXX-rated vintage porn (this isn’t true, but it sounds good, doesn’t it?).
As my special birthday gift, I’d be happy to transform your drawer...
...slipping in a Hello Kitty thong and a few secret Japanese potions (introduced to me by Neve Black), while you are otherwise occupied with the next adventure….
Finally, I believe birthdays are a time for a special trip away from the ordinary, so I’m enclosing two plane tickets to Japan, where you and Sam can spend the weekend at my favorite hot spring inn, called Chojukan, in the mountains of Gunma prefecture. The inn’s nineteenth-century grand bath allows men and women to soak together in the old custom, a rarity in Japan today. After midnight, adventurous couples have been known to do other things, too!
In between luxurious baths, you’ll be served luxurious feasts like the one pictured above--sure to satisfy any hankering for sushi. Don’t forget to save room for a few cookies for dessert.
Otanjobi omedeto! (bowing my wishes for a very Happy Birthday to you)!