Blackpool Holiday

It's Sunday afternoon, spring is in the air. What could be more proper than a trip to the seaside to stroll the promenade, admiring the beauty and grandeur of nature to one side and the glitz and glamour--not to say grime--of human creativity and commerce on the other? Thanks to the wonders of the blogosphere, the famous resort of Blackpool is but a blink away for the partiers in Suite 69. Naturally, I'd only enlist the aid of the very best guide, the witty and wonderful Ashley Lister, whose contribution to the canon of smart erotica that always brings a smile to your face is truly immeasurable.

Ashley is not just an awesome dirty-story-writer, he's a prolific reviewer, a writing teacher, a journalist and author of the best-selling Swingers and Swingers: Female Confidential, a generous friend and mentor, and last, but not least, an award-winning literature student and poet. He's currently assembling a portfolio of poetry for his thesis, a sampling of which he shares with us today. Naturally, our refreshments today are Blackpool favorites: ice cream cones, sticks of rock and tins of lager, in any order you choose! Here's Ashley on budget lodgings by the sea....

Blackpool, for those of you unfamiliar with the location, is a seaside resort in the UK's north-west. According to Bill Bryson's Notes From a Small Island, Blackpool attracts more visitors than Greece and has more holiday beds than the whole of Portugal. Consequently, because of the high concentration of hotels and the town's status as a magnet for tourism, I feel like I'm on familiar territory when discussing Rachel Kramer Bussel's latest exemplary title: Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories. The poem below is set firmly in Blackpool and is dedicated to the town's legendary landladies. It's something of a historical tradition that Blackpool's hotels and guest houses are run by austere matriarchs: a tradition that has been in place since the days of the First World War and continuing through to the present day. And, just like it's a tradition in Rachel Kramer Bussel's anthology for the characters to get a lot of pleasure from their visits to hotels, it's something of a tradition in Blackpool for visitors to be greeted in a fashion that's similar to this poem:

"The Landlady’s Rules" by Ashley Lister

singles, doubles, twins, en suite
home cooked meals for you to eat
family run for family fun
by the beach and in the sun
near the prom and near the tower
the walk won’t take more than an hour

families welcome – we have cots
chamber maids and chamber pots
breakfast served from seven ‘til eight
you WILL go hungry if you’re LATE.

NO stags. NO hens.
Be in bed by half past ten.
NO heavy petting. NO sub-letting.
We must insist there’s NO bed-wetting.

NO troubling the other guests.
NO parking spaces. And NO pets.
NO fast food inside your room.
NO doing vulgar things with our vacuum.

NO alcohol. NO drugs. NO smoking.
NO exceptions. We’re NOT joking.
NO singing, fighting, and NO swearing.
NO closed windows the rooms need airing.

NO credit cards. NO discount rates.
NO colour TV. And NO complaints.
NO loud music night or day.
And one more thing – enjoy your stay!